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| Photoshoot went well, just did some for my friends new clothing line.
He's rather talented.
The wind chilled my bones though.
Luckily, the Hot Totties at the party this afternoon warmed me right up.
I'm headed out with Bill, Frank, and Suzanne. There's an art gallery up that opened tonight, and the "afterparty" for it starts at midnight. I'm not sure Cameron will be attended, but I hope so. I do hate going places without him. And, it willl close up the age gap between the rest of the party and myself. I've been told I look old for my age, but I know that old for fifteen does not mean 21. Cameron is only 18, but he looks as though he could be thirty when he grows out his beard.
I'm rambling. I'm drunk, or soon to be. And I'm not forming complete, coherent thoughts.
My apologies.
Anyway, I'm off to wonder the streets.
Here is to good friends, good times, and upcoming 10 days without worry !
So it goes.
I adore Jenny Lewis.
Do you not concur, she looks quite darling in this photograph !?
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| -.48 and I'll be at my old low weight.
I'm planing on surpassing that though.
I'm a few pounds less, in just a few days.
I am proud, but I'll take it slow. I'll exercise less.
Photoshoot/party tomorrow.
Interesting.
I'll have to leave right after second block.
Shit, I hate missing A days.
I always end up missing something imperative
to my grade; not my life.
Cameron and his sulking have gotten me all tense, and
uptight.
I want just to shake him, make him laugh like he usually does too often.
We were laying on the bed earlier, and I asked him why he hasn't been smiling.
He just pushed my hair behind my ears, and sighed.
"I haven't got room in my brain to think about smiling these past few days." He said.
I don't know what all he has to think about, he's yet to go to school this week.
But I didn't ask. I was too tired, so I curled up in him and took a nap.
I really wish I knew what his mind was full with sometimes.
I can tell when he's thinking, but never what about.
It frustrated me so, and I can never get a straight answer.
People are so complex.
But that's what makes them beautiful.
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| I explained everything to the punctuation about earlier to Cameron as he drove me to ballet tonight.
He said he didn't mind.
"I wish you loved you like I love you."
That whispered in my ear after a forehead kiss
made me kind of sad.
You see, I feel just awful.
I love him. But I can't tell him.
I've explained all of this, because I always have to explain my crazy thoughts.
And he's the only one who understands.
But, I just cannot utter those three words.
I contemplate it persistently, in why those eight letters
drain me so. Just dreaming about it.
I associate those words with lies; that is why.
And I can't lie to Cameron.
It's not that those words would be a lie, they just feel so dirty.
They've been tossed around so often, so carelessly.
They aren't pure enough.
Nothing is ever pure enough though.
Except for us. In my kaleidoscope eyes.
For me, the two of us, we are at 45 degrees to each other; the only way I can stand things.
We float together, like smoke tangled in the leaves of trees.
Running, hiding, falling in the forest that makes us feel so small.
The sun grows dimmer, farther west.
Take a minute, and inhale all the beauty.
High off chemicals and clean air, we'll stay out here.
Until our hearts get so tired, we will lay our heads to rest.
I wish we had a forest. I'm sick of all these lights.
Maybe I'll spend the weekend out east. I'd love to bring Cameron to Montauk.
Similar to my favorite film.
 | | |
| I feel cheap and incomplete.
I want to crawl out of my skin.
Dirt is more respectable than myself right now.
I ate a cup of pudding, and I had a chocolate russian, when I was out today.
I calculated it at over 300 calories, and felt disgusting.
So, I manipulated Cameron, who wasn't feeling very well
to have sex.
I wanted just to burn off the calories.
I feel like I used him. And I hate myself for it.
No matter how many cuts I make into my arm, I can't feel better.
He hasn't the faintest idea.
And I know he enjoyed it, so it was not entirely futile.
I might explain my twisted thoughts to him.
He won't get mad, I know him.
But if I keep it inside, it kills me.
I just teeter with words so when I'm nervous.
And I hate to do so.
I'm going to purge whatever is left.
Until I can see my own blood in the shower.
I just need to be less than myself.
I feel oh so dizzy.
At any other moment, it'd be delightful.
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| We didn't go to school today.
I have a couple of "lunch" dates to attend.
One with my mother, one with Cameron's sister, and one with a friend who's in town for a few days.
I figure, I'll get out of eating at all of them by saying I ate with the other one.
I just got back from the one with my mother.
I had a small glass of lemon water, and some tea.
We conversed about me moving in with Cameron over break.
At first she seemed a bit skeptical, but she agreed.
It's better this way.
I'm farther away.
I won't be the glitch in her spotless life.
Win-win, lose-lose, however you'd like to see it.
My brother will help me transport my things.
I don't have much I'd like to bring over.
I'll have my car
that I shouldn't be driving.
But nevermind that.
Cameron has been consistently taking my sleeping pills about every three hours.
I worry; but at least he's resting.
He won't be coming with me to see his sister.
I'll tell her he's been feeling under the weather.
Which isn't too far from the truth.
I fear these gray skies have swallowed me as well.
The cold wind drains the little life I have left inside of me.
It's slowly blowing out my dull flame.
I'm not eating for three days. I'd like to be 88 by Saturday.
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I may just inform you on how the other two dates go.
I have a feeling this will be quite a tiresome afternoon.
Oh, what a couple of weeks these are bound to be ! | | |
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